My dirty little late night secret.

One week may not seem like much of an accomplishment, but if you've never done Farrell's FXB, then you can't know what an extreme and intense week it's been. So, yeah - I'm giving myself a pat on the back for making it to every class and not giving up. Because over the course of one class, as my muscles were burning or I thought I was about to actually cough up a lung, I seriously considered slinking away and making a beeline directly to Dairy Queen and congratulating myself for ending the torture with a chocolate shake. I can't decide what made me stay - avoiding the humiliation of leaving early or the personal desire to stick with it and push past the pain. Either way, I didn't walk out and I haven't had that chocolate shake yet.

I consider both to be pretty big accomplishments.

Seriously - if you know me, then you're probably not surprised that I didn't quit class, but you're surely in awe that I didn't go for the shake.

My shakes these days consist of Greek yogurt, bananas, strawberries, flaxseed, Whey protien powder, vanilla almond milk, Chia seeds and ice cubes. They're no extra thick, super sized chocolate shakes from McDonald's, but they're not all that bad. If I'm hungry enough, I can almost convince myself that it's a strawberry malt from my favorite hamburger joint.


Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....hamburgers. With cheese. And bacon. Any dripping with mayonnaise.

Clearly, my obsession with food hasn't waned, but I'm proud to say that I've not been sidetracked by a bag of Cheetos yet. Thankfully, we have a cheat day built into our program, so I can lay off the turkey and string cheese for a day and not worry about my good carbs to protein ratio and enjoy some of my favorite guilty pleasures. But beyond that one day, I have not given in to my many daily cravings for an Oreo or a handful of M&M's. I now reach for raw almonds, baby carrots or a Granny Smith apple instead now. It is as satisfying and tasty as a big pan of brownies? Fuck no. I still want Geno's pepperoni pizza rolls instead of grilled chicken, but there's a different satisfaction in making the healthy choices and it has really nothing to do with my body and health. For the first time in a long time, I have control and self discipline in my kitchen, in the grocery store aisle and in my life.

Will I fall off the wagon from time to time? I probably will - I'm not perfect and while I know that food has a wee bit of power over me, I also admit that I really love a good meal - rich sauces, dense pastas, hearty potatoes, delicious appetizers and all eaten with a good glass of wine. I'm not giving up those kinds of meals. I'm just having far less of them.

What gets me through the night? Well, like every long dry spell, we all need to scratch that itch from time to time.

So I'm dvr'ing commercials for IHOP, Dijorno pizza, Breyer's ice cream, Keebler cookies, PF Chang's frozen entrees and Baskin Robbins and watching them late at night after everyone goes to bed.

We all need our porn.