Losing my mind. (and hopefully weight)

I hate how my thighs rub together. I hate how Dolly Madison is one of my BFF's. I hate that when I look in the mirror, it's not my mom's warm brown eyes that smile back at me, but her arm fat that flaps around. I hate how it takes a jar of vaseline to get into my favorite pair of jeans . I just flat out hate feeling out of shape and pretty much out of control when it comes to eating. I love food. Let me re-phrase that. I have such an personal relationship with food that I can identify a Dorito from a Ruffle by the sound of its' crunch, while blindfolded. Hydrox cookies insult me, Oreos have been at my side for every pre-marriage breakup; I would never be unfaithful to such loyal companions. Ice cream got me through my mother's death. See....a very personal relationship.

I love food.

It's time to love me more. Time to get this body back into shape. Time to "just say No" to AE French onion dip. Time to move more. Time to stop the thigh chafing. Time to say goodbye, Dolly and her chocolate Zingers baked by the Devil. To quote someone else with her namesake, "Bittersweet Memories....that is all I'm taking with me. And I.....will always love you."

I have joined Farrell's Extreme Bodyshaping, popularly named FXB. There's a great deal of explanation on their website: http://www.extremebodyshaping.com/what_is_fxb.html

I will follow a six day/per week regimine of kickboxing coupled with rhythmic martial arts, resisistance training and nutrition for ten weeks.

I'll break it down fat girl style: I'm going to work my ass off, beg for death and learn how to eat asparagus and hummus. I will hurt, hurl and maybe even see that big glowy white light during exhaustion induced hallucinations.....and try to make a run for it. But, hey - at least I'll be running.

You know what? I'm not going to lie - I'm kinda scared. Who am I kidding? I'm terrifed. But more than anything, I'm so excited. I feel like I'm on the verge of changing my life and for once, in a really long while - doing something just for me.

I have four days until the big test day, where I'll find out all sorts of fun stuff - oh like what percentage of my body is all fat, how slow I run a mile and how many people I can get to laugh directly at me when I do my pushups. It's a humbling day, to be sure. But it's a day I need. I'll remember Saturday, June 5, 2010 - the day I said goodbye to who I am now and hello to the person I was always meant to be.

I have set several personal goals. Number one: don't die.