Less of me is making room for MORE of me!

It's hard to explain how much I'm growing while at the same time, I'm literally getting smaller. I don't think I had any idea what kind of changes I would go through when I first enrolled in FXB. Obviously, my desire was to get back into last summer's wardrobe and maybe firm up my belly and finally shed some of my baby weight. Babies that I gave birth to 21, 8 and 6 years ago. It's a convenient enough excuse, and a valid one - for about a year. I even had a leg up, qualifying it with, "the twins really wrecked my body". Well, the twins are more than halfway to highschool, so the shelf life of that excuse has definitely expired.

So, I figured - sign up for an intense workout program that costs enough to make me slightly fiscally weary and lose some weight for the last weeks of beach and shorts season.

What never occured to me was that I probably needed to lose some additional weight that has nothing to do with the size of my jeans or the numbers on my scale. We haul around a lot of life, which makes it hard to actually live it when we're so busy balancing it (barely) above our heads.

I'm lighter now. Lighter in ways I didn't hope to be, or even think I ever could be. I worry less about the future and pay really close attention to the present. There's so much good going on in my life right here, right now. I'm living in the moments that life is giving me; letting the past go and the future surprise me.

My kids are these spectacular people I'm discovering. I mean, yes I've always known how amazing they are, but I worried about all four of them incessantly and allowed those worries to strain how I see them. I see all of them now - for who they've become and the potential they each have in them. I'm a mother of a 21 year old, a set of 8 year old twins and a six year old. I see all four of them and because of that, I thoroughly enjoy all four of them. I didn't always - because I carried who they were and who they weren't, on my shoulders and the weight of all of that took a bit of the joy of being their mother away. I've unburdened my shoulders and opened my heart further. I don't know who or what my kids will grow into someday, but I know that they've got a great shot at whatever they want because I'm their mother. My, how they love me.

I'm lighter.

I took my marriage too seriously. Sounds odd, doesn't it? I'm a daughter of a divorced couple, which created in me an unhealthy expectation within myself to be so superbly perfect at being a married couple, I felt letdown frequently. My husband didn't let me down - not really. He's pissed me off, he's hurt my feelings, he's left dirty socks on the family room floor and his cereal bowl on the counter. But he hasn't let me down. My marriage hasn't let me down. It's been hard, it's been boring at times, it's been tedious even. But it hasn't let me down. I let myself down, but really only because what I expected from myself was unrealistic. I can't be perfect and I don't want to be. Letting that ridiculous shit go has opened up to me a wonderful marriage - it's fun, it's sexy, it's romantic and it's real. Still hard at times and on a Friday night when the old man has fallen asleep a half hour into movie night on the couch, it can even be a little boring. But it's mine and I'm no longer letting it down. My, how he loves me.

I'm lighter.

My mom's dead. That's so hard to say even still; at times, it even a little unbelievable. She and I - incredibly close. Maybe too close, I don't know. I miss her and I need her. Her death followed a rather short, but painful battle with cancer. I don't remember who I was before Mom got sick. I certainly don't think I was anyone poised to care for her, to carry her, to bathe her, to feed her, to walk the last mile with her and to let her go. But there I was, adding to my shoulders the weight of my mom. Five years later, and I'm still carrying her. I have been making decisions, raising my kids, planning events - with her in mind, hoping to making her proud. She's been gone for half a decade and I'm still looking for her approval, something she never denied me during her living years. I just still want it. It was there, her last night - enough to last me a lifetime. My mom is dead, and while I won't ever hear her say, "you're such a good (mother/ daughter/wife/friend/person), Shell" or "the world is lucky to have you in it", I have to believe it's what she'd tell me if she were here. And while it's not really - for any of us, it has to be good enough. I'm done living my life in search of someone else's approval. I've always had it and it's time to let go. My mom is dead. My, how she loved me.

I'm lighter.

I'm still a work in progress, but slowly, I hope I become the person whom I can really, truly see and think, "I want to be like her when I grow up."

I don't know if it's exactly FXB that has inspired this kind of soul searching or provoked me to unload some of this excess emotional weight, but I really do think that it's given me such an awesome opportunity to not only transform my body, but to let loose life's baggage that has been weighing me down. I'm making friends, I'm learning new ways to fuel my body and clear my mind, I'm finding my own strength to reach out of my comfort zone and to feel free to be who I want to be. My, how I love me.

I'm happier and I'm healthier.

And after week #5 testing, I'm officially 11 pounds and 10 & 3/4 inches smaller!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bet your ass I'm lighter!